Inadequate in Ministry

What do you do when it doesn't feel like you can do anything right? 

I know that coming back from the AIM mission field, that's an easy thought pattern to slip into. When I shifted fields from Boston to Wichita Falls, TX, back in '93, in order to do a youth ministry internship with my home congregation, several times I got caught up in situations that left me feeling like I couldn't do anything right. In fact, at one point I even said that I would never get into youth ministry.

I think, in my case at least, we get fooled into thinking that we're supposed to be able to do things on our own. 

By the time we leave our mission fields, a lot of you have had to learn a whole new language to survive, and you leave having this fluency that you never would have imagined you could. We left behind a college Bible study and a small group of teens that had grown closer together. It's easy to look back on that as we board the plane or train, or dare I say, automobile, and think, "I did all that."

And it's a trap.

Some of you will have heard a guy named Randy Harris speak before. One time I heard him speak at an event about his mantra that he repeats to himself every morning. I like it so much that I took his mantra, put the Scriptures with it that he referenced, and printed it to put up in my office.

The first part of this mantra says, "Today I will be incompetent." 

The Bible verse that is the basis for his statement is 2 Corinthians 3:5: "Not that we are competent to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God." I love to read that each day when I come in my office, because I tend toward pride. It reminds me that I'm a bumbling idiot left to my own devices, but when this bumbling idiot gets in God's way and lets Him push him around, amazing things can happen. 

So what do you do when it doesn't feel like you can do anything right? Remember that you're correct. All you need to do is keep making your mistakes in the path of God, and He'll be the Adequate One for you.

When have you felt inadequate to work for God?

- Donovan Fox 

Too reserved?

I don't know about you, but I'm a pretty reserved guy. Well, I say that, but I know how to be crazy too. But when it comes to sharing my feelings, I typically keep them in. The thinking goes, "I know I'm dealing with x, y AND z, but I know that they MUST be dealing with a, b and c [notice that all of a sudden I can read the other person's mind], so they don't need me dumping on them." So I find a place to squash x, y and z in, and try to forget it, and don't ever deal with how I'm feeling, whether it's frustration over a hurt (real or perceived), anger, sadness, etc.

So I've been forced to realize lately how much I do that, and how dangerous it can be. I work with a great guy at a great church, with wonderful staff both in and out of 'ministry.' We've got lots of financial support for our ministry, maybe even too much, and we've got parents all over who actually WANT to step in and help out, maybe even too much. Just kidding. But over the last year and a half, between some changes in his life, and some changes at home, and then just my "natural" way of handling my emotions, there's been an unhealthy build-up of bad feelings, just on my own end, that weren't getting dealt with. And that meant that there were days in the office where I'd just be angry/frustrated/sad, for no good reason, except that those feelings I thought I had packed away for good were coming out and manifesting themselves.

Like I said, I was forced to recognize this about myself and was even charged by some of my shepherds to do something about it. As I was sitting telling them how I was feeling (only because I was forced to), my eyes started creating a salty discharge -- Seinfeld reference for everyone who didn't recognize it -- and I found that those repressed feelings were making more of an impact on me than I realized. And when I talked to the other youth minister, there was such a weight that lifted. Yeah, I'm sure I'll still get frustrated, but I've committed to him that I'll always be honest about how I'm feeling.

So, you might be thinking, "I'm glad this is Donovan's getting this off his chest, but what does this have to do with me?" Well, I think we sometimes do this when we get off the field, or when we leave Lubbock, or when we're dealing with life. We think that because we've had ALL this Bible training and mission experience, and we're SO mature, then we should be able to handle our feelings better than so-and-so. Or we think that the person in front of us is dealing with all kinds of junk (and they probably are, in reality), so we shouldn't dump on them and give them more to worry about. But there's two dangers. One, for you, is that you don't get to process your true feelings, and they start to weigh you down. Two, the other person doesn't really know what you're feeling, so they can't deal with you on a real level.

So my encouragement is to share how you're feeling. Talk about your experiences on the field. It may not feel like it, but you'll find people who want to hear your story. Yeah, there will be folks who are too busy, or too consumed with their own stuff, to be able to give you all their attention right now, but don't let that stop you. And be sure to share your feelings in love. Don't get ugly about it. Remember that the way they are seeing things is going to be completely different from the way you see it, and you need to be compassionate and understanding to them just the way you want them to be to you. And don't forget that you have a whole community of 25+ years of folks who have been through similar experiences, a lot of them a click away on Facebook, who would love to share your burden.

Have you experienced the freeing & healing that comes from sharing your hidden feelings?

- Donovan Fox

Let me introduce you to "Sloth."

Sometimes I need a good hard kick in the behind to be reminded to act the way I know I'm supposed to. I got that the other day in the form of a teenager named Joel Wood making a speech for one of those national Christian leadership training events. I'll let you read it, and then I want to make some of my own observations at the end.

_“Ok, here’s the deal… I’m only here because my dad wants me to do this speech thing. So…I don’t really want to even do this…I just need to fill however many minutes it is (4 maybe?) so I can say I came to this lame church thing.”_

Let me introduce you to “Sloth.” Of the seven deadly sins, none is less famous than sloth. More a sin of omission than of commission, sloth seems out-of-place among the likes of greed, lust, pride, and wrath. True to its nature, it is inherently not noteworthy or significant. Or is it?? Sloth is actually more dangerous because it is insidious, sneaking in the back door, often disguised as “keeping a level head” or being easy-going or open-minded.

Most people think of sloth as just sitting around doing nothing, being physically lazy. But Whitestone Journal defines sloth as a kind of spiritual indifference, not making it a priority to do what we should, or change what we should in ourselves. Sloth is disengagement, the avoidance of being an active participant in life. Sloth, we assume, only affect those with pizza boxes stacked in the corner, people who sleep till the crack-of-noon to check Facebook for… you know, a while…. Sloth, we tend to think, doesn’t affect people working real jobs, meeting real deadlines and caring for real kids…. But we would mistaken.

It might be…
· …the middle-aged mom who, disappointed with her life, lives vicariously through reality TV or tabloid news.

· …a young adult not bothering to vote for anything, ever.

· …people of any age, who, born with the proverbial silver spoon in their mouths, never engage enough to realize their own potential or contribution to the world.

This is in stark contrast to the life of David we read about in the Old Testament. 2 Samuel continues the picture of young David painted in 1 Samuel. While 1 Samuel tells of David’s youth and long exile, 2 Samuel focuses on David as king—leading, uniting, inspiring his people. 2 Samuel didn’t paint David as a flawless character or perfect model of courage and strength. David had striking weaknesses. But his appeal was that he was completely, passionately alive. Whatever he did, he did with all his heart. He held nothing back. David was not a victim of sloth.

Don’t picture sloth as a harmless, laid-back couch potato. Sloth is more like the grim reaper, the messenger of death who pokes his bony fingers in the places in our lives that ought to be thriving… and watches them atrophy from lack of attention.

A few months ago in California, a 15-year-old girl was raped and beaten over a two-hour period by at least 10 people just outside her high school homecoming dance, while two dozen people saw the rape without notifying police, some of the onlookers jeering and taking pictures with cell phones.

Or the case of the 16-year-old Chicago honor student who was beaten to death last fall after crossing into a fight between rival gangs at a busy bus stop. Several people took videos that they later posted on YouTube.

We hear about these and are outraged and shocked, as much at the onlookers as at the assailants. What would cause so many to stand idly by, walk past, or fail to call 9-1-1? Perhaps sloth truly is a deadly sin.

So why is it thriving? According to author Wendy Wasserstein, this “sin” has become mired in a theological catch-22: sloth is bad because it impedes progress; progress is good because it enables us to be slothful. You see, for several hundred years, the great innovations in science, technology, and engineering—the wheel, the bellows, the cotton gin—were focused on reducing the amount of back-breaking labor humans must endure.

However, more recent technological innovations—the three-in-one remote, the riding lawnmower, the Clapper, & the robot vacuum Roomba—have seemed somewhat less momentous. Progress has moved beyond preserving human dignity to encouraging human sloth. Far from being a sin, it has become an aspiration.

The problem is, when we have more ‘takers’ than ‘givers,’ the system is no longer sustainable. We do need to change some things on the societal level. For example, passively watching a crime is not a crime itself, unless the victim is younger than 14.

But in reality, the only way to change slothful attitudes and behavior is one person at a time, and the only person who can change you is YOU. First, we need to make a series of small, incremental changes that, over time, will change ourselves and those around us. We can no longer afford to live with tunnel vision and assume that we responsible only for ourselves. We start that process by WAKING UP!

_Oh, look at that, I blew right past the 4-minute minimum… And I actually enjoyed it._

Given a choice between feeding my slothful nature, and completely, passionately living up to my God-given potential as David did, I’ll choose to live, to engage, to participate!

Okay, so what are my thoughts? As a former AIMer, I know the temptation of wanting to be behind-the-scenes in the local congregation, of looking for a church that's large enough for me to hide in (while still looking for one small enough to feel like family - quite the conundrum!). I know the tiredness that comes from constantly giving yourself to others spiritually, with none of the gratitude that should be a prerequisite from those who enjoy the benefits of your efforts. And I so I know, I think, where the danger of "sloth" comes for us. I really benefitted from Joel's reminder that sloth IS absolutely dangerous, and, as he said, so easy to get trapped in. From one potentially slothful ex-AIMer to another, let's not!


- Donovan Fox

The God of the small stuff

I love science. Not all of it though. Biology leaves me confused, and though I admire folks who make that their life-work, it's not a field that has much appeal to me. I love the certainty of chemistry and the 'relative' (excuse the pun) certainty of physics. But there's a field of science that I've grown enamored with in the last decade, the field of biochemistry, the study of biology on a molecular level, examining the way “life” functions beyond the level of cells, at the level of proteins and DNA. While I haven't yet found a Biochemistry For Dummies, I am always looking for a new textbook or some other entry-level book to help me understand it more. I recently bought a coffeetable book, Nano Nature by Richard Jones. He took images from scanning electron microscope, and revealed a world of beauty and detail at a level that few people in the entire world knew existed. It is easy to look at a flower, or a butterfly, and to marvel at its beauty, but to know that the scales of a butterfly's wing (I didn't even know that the wing had scales on it!) are each a separate color, and are also grooved for what I would imagine are some improved aerodynamics opened my eyes to the amazing way this world is put together.

Why's that important to me? I confess that sometimes I get to living like all God is concerned about is the big picture. I don't take the little things to Him, because He's only going to work on the major stuff, whatever that is in my head that week. (I don't know where I've drawn the line, but it's there somewhere.) And the 'big' Christian acts, like Sunday worship or teaching Bible class, get my attention, but the 'little' ones, like daily listening to Him or talking to Him, get put on the back burner. (I know, it's so backwards, but that's how we live, isn't it?) But when I read about biochemistry and see the detail in the natural world a molecular level, I'm reminded that God is as concerned about the little details too!

I don't think this is important for an AIM alumnus only, but for those of us who have been involved in the “big” picture work of sharing our faith in a 'foreign' country, sometimes the everyday living out of our faith can feel small in comparison. I hope that you will remember that God doesn't feel that way, that God wants you to be as faithful now as He did when you were in Lubbock or on the field. And I hope that you'll help us to encourage each other to reveal God in the “details” of your life.

So how have you seen God's concern in the “small stuff” in your life?

- Donovan Fox