He Hears You, Dear One

The support ran out weeks ago. 

Your parents want you “home”.

The people at your congregation keep asking how your “vacation” is going.

Your team keeps fighting.

You and God haven’t spoken in days. 

What do you do when It seems the world has turned its back on you? What do you do when you have only your sword and shield against the invisible armies pumped to end your life at any second? What do you do when you can’t think of how to stay, but you can’t bear to go?

I was in this situation. I lived this reality six years ago. I was in a situation that was wonderful and full of pain all at the same time. The months where you feel isolated. You are eating beans, rice, and whatever moldy vegetables you can find in the back of your cabinet. The days spent crying in bed. 

Crying out to a God who you can’t hear. 

Crying out for comfort. 

Crying out for guidance.

Just crying out for a hug. 

He hears you. Oh pilgrim, he hears you. You are now wandering through a land that is not your own. You can count your belongings on your right hand. You can count your supporters on the other. You may be discouraged like you never thought possible. 

He hears you.

He hears you when you cry out in the night. So isolated because this language is not your own, and you have trouble even trying to buy a cup of coffee. So alone because you can’t seem to connect with the very people paired up to journey with you into the barren land. So afraid because the book you hold in your hand isn’t giving you the comfort and joy it once imparted. 

He hears you.

He loves you, my wonderful friend, He loves you more than you can imagine. Every day his heart bleeds tears for your sorrow. He is trying to speak to you. He is sending his message to You.

I love you dear one. I hear you, and I see you. 

So you wake up every morning. You thank Him for small victories. The car started. The bus ran on time. Your team prayed together. You hugged through the tears. You walk forward. Your head held high with the knowledge of love. With the intention of sharing, of loving, of giving, of serving, of praying, and of preaching. You thank our Father for his grace, and you keep going.

He hears you.

He loves you.

-Lydia Mulligan (Weatherly) 

West Mains, Scotland AIM 2005

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Your Garage Door Is Open

I John 3: 19-20 “This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.”

Have you ever had the experience where you’re driving to work and you suddenly have the thought, “Did I close the garage door?”

If this happens, and you live alone, it can be especially worrisome because there is no one to go check for you. You basically have to wonder about it all day, and if you’re like me, all of the worst case scenarios begin to bombard your brain. The only real way to get your mind to rest is to find out for sure. Either you have to go see for yourself, or you have to find someone to go check for you.

I lived most of my life having that, “Did I close the garage door?” feeling. Only it was a lot more serious. I wasn’t worried about my house getting broken into and losing some of my possessions. I was worried about not really knowing God’s will, not doing what God wanted me to do, not being good enough, pure enough … and losing my soul. I was worried that my garage door was open and someone was going to see all the things I had worked so hard to hide. This is the kind of worry that makes it impossible to clear your mind and just rest. It makes it impossible to breathe.

I felt this even more when I was “on the field”. I mean, surely if you’ve chosen to do mission work then those “thoughts” you can’t get rid of … those feelings that creep up without warning, those things that rob your soul of rest; must count double on your list of sins against God, right?

I struggled with this so much, that when I came back from the field I eventually just exhausted myself. I couldn’t quit torturing myself with guilt, and the sleepless nights took their toll. I finally just gave up.

I wish now that I had spent more time talking about these feelings. But I always felt there was this unspoken rule that you just didn’t talk about these things. Thankfully, God led me to a place where we do talk about these things, and we talk about them every time we get together. Nothing is off limits. It’s amazing to watch hearts begin to find rest that haven’t rested in a long time.

The greatest lessons I’ve learned seem a little silly now. They seem silly because I let such common things dominate my life for so long … let them lead me away from all that was good and holy. If I had only spoken up and let someone know. I would have found out that my struggles are not unique, nor are my questions. The uncontrollable thoughts are not sin. Wondering and questioning are not sin. Our struggles are not new … just secret. Someone has to speak first … someone has to let the secret out so the next person knows they are not alone. Someone has to let people in their garage to see that it’s full of the same stuff as everyone else.

Knowing that God is bigger than all my doubts, fears, thoughts, feelings, and secrets … gives me rest. Knowing His size and strength helps me give these things to Him to battle. He can win against them when I can’t.

And, best of all, when my heart tells me that I’ve left the garage door open and someone is going to see the real me, I don’t have to panic. I can know that God knows it all already and He loves me anyway. He doesn’t love me if I’m good, or because I’m pure … He loves me no matter what. Now that’s a thought I can rest in.

- Paige Foreman