Terrible

I got a Facebook message the other day that simply said, “Wow. I had no idea the things you had done in your life were so terrible.” I sat staring at the message wondering to myself, “What exactly are they talking about, and who have they been talking to?” There was a website that followed the message, and of course, I clicked on it.

My computer slowly loaded the page and to my horror this is what I saw:


TOTALTRANSGRESSIONTAX.com

Paige Foreman 1972 – present
Member since 1989 … last payment June 1989
Current amount owed: $945,678,945,985.89

I sat staring at the screen for what seemed like hours. I barely remembered opening this account. How could I have forgotten about it?

My mind began to wander back to 1989. I was in high school and had begun doing some very stupid things. I was having fun and figured when the fun ran out I would move on. But around June of that year, I realized I was stuck. I had already gotten into some pretty serious trouble and lost several friends.

I was talking to someone about moving on and trying to get my life back on track. He suggested this website: totaltransgressiontax.com . This was a website that allowed you to submit your sins before a panel. They assessed the price and you began making payments. As long as you were actively making payments then the interest was low and you were assured complete privacy. However, if you stopped making payments, the amount would begin to go up by the second and your past was fair game. Anyone could enter the site and take a peek around… anyone.

I had actually gotten baptized right after joining the site and making my first payment. I had accepted God’s forgiveness and realized I didn’t need to make those payments. Jesus paid it all in full, and God had forgotten my transgressions. He was not keeping score.

Unfortunately, the website was.

***

So, the above is a dream I had last night. I woke up feeling horrible. I felt a level of fear, guilt, and shame that I have not felt in years. Thankfully, as I woke up I came back to reality. Not only is there not a website… there’s not a price that I must pay. That price is not going up by the second and every internet user doesn’t have access to my shame. Nope.

Reality is… Jesus paid it once for all and then it was forgotten. I am free. I have hope!!! That hope is secure!!!

“Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them.” Rom. 4:7,8

-Paige Foreman

Who will go first?

"We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." - Tad Williams

I’m in a missions program. I have people paying me to be on the field. I am working with a church and working for God daily. Shouldn’t I be immune to mistakes? Shouldn’t I be stronger than this? Shouldn’t I have more integrity?

These are just a few of the thoughts I remember thinking when I was on the field. Somehow the label “AIMer” was supposed to make me perfect. Imagine my surprise when I started messing up. I couldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t ask for help. I couldn’t admit that I was losing control.

The word integrity runs through my head. What I do when no one will ever know or see - that’s who I really am. Paul, even when in prison, rejoiced. He didn’t curse God. He didn’t blame God. He didn’t use his circumstance as an excuse to sin. He had integrity. Yet here I sit in a foreign land, a beautiful place, not a prison, and I want to run from God in embarrassment. I want to find comfort wherever I can.

When asked how I’m doing or asked what’s wrong, I lie. I lie because I’m afraid. I lie because I don’t know how others will react or what they will think. Every time I lie, the fear grows stronger. The chance of me talking about this becomes smaller and smaller.

Someone has to go first. Someone has to be willing to admit the struggle.

I worship at a place where we try to be real - no Sunday School answers, just reality. I see it over and over. Once someone goes beyond the surface and admits something tough, hands begin to go up, and one by one people say, "Me too… I’ve done that… I thought I was the only one."

Someone has to go first. Someone has to be willing to admit the struggle.

About 5 or 6 years after I returned from the field I began to actually be honest. I began to go beyond the surface and talk about my experience and my mistakes. I reached a point where I was no longer afraid of the reactions. The reactions couldn’t hurt as bad as the secrets. It was worth taking a chance. Once I told someone, once I went first, I found out what I should have known all along: I was never alone. I was never the only one.

I thank God for lessons learned. I thank God that He keeps growing something in me that is bigger than the fears that keep me down. Something bigger than depression, addiction, divorce, fear, insecurity, doubt. Whatever the struggle, whatever the fear, He is bigger.

"This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. The one who keeps God’s commands lives in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us." - 1 John 3:19-24

Take confidence in this thought. It is true!

And please, find someone to talk to. Be willing to go first.

-Paige Foreman

Burden Lifting God

Numbers 11:10- Moses heard the people of every family wailing, each at the entrance to his tent. The LORD became exceedingly angry, and Moses was troubled. 11 He asked the LORD, “Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? 12 Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their forefathers? 13 Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ 14 I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. 15 If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.” 16 The LORD said to Moses: “Bring me seventy of Israel’s elders who are known to you as leaders and officials among the people. Have them come to the Tent of Meeting, that they may stand there with you. 17 I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take of the Spirit that is on you and put the Spirit on them. They will help you carry the burden of the people so that you will not have to carry it alone.


I hate that Moses was so frustrated (but it helps me know that it’s okay to be frustrated). I hate that he was so tired from carrying those people that he was asking God to take him out (but it helps me know that it’s okay to be honest with the Lord).

I love that God heard him in his frustration (it helps me know that He hears me when I cry out in frustration). I love that God gave him a solution and let Moses know that He recognized his pain (it helps me know that He gives me solutions as well and recognizes my pain).

I was carrying some burdens. Those burdens included but were not limited to: family, guilt, resentment, confusion, pain, loneliness, sin, heartache, insomnia, and addiction. I felt a lot like Moses when he told God “the burden is too heavy for me”. Much of my burdens were the result of poor choices … they were my own fault.

But you know what? God still delivered me. He heard my cry and He reached out … and took that load off my shoulders.

Had anyone asked me how any one of those burdens should have been handled I would have had my ideas for solutions. I don’t know that I would have chosen God’s solutions if He had asked. But He didn’t really ask … He just answered. Answers came through: divorce, confession, forgiveness, Bible study, prayer, surgery, moving, quitting a job, starting a new job, faith … and learning to trust a group of folks that would eventually help me carry the burdens that were still too heavy for me to bear.

- Paige Foreman

How are you defined?

Take a minute and think about yourself. How would you define “you”? How would you describe who you really are? I think most of us would have a hard time listing off very many positive things about ourselves … we’ve been raised with the idea that this would be bragging. So instead, we’ve developed the opposite habit. We keep a record of our wrongs … always adding to the list … defining ourselves in a negative light. We never allow ourselves a break.

If this doesn’t sound like you … congratulations … I want to know your secret. Actually, I think I know the secret … I just have a hard time putting that knowledge into action.

One moment does not define us. I will even go as far as to say an accumulation of moments do not define us. God defines us. He made us … He gets to apply the description. He bought us … He gets to write the ad.

God proves this idea to me throughout the Bible. I’ve seen it most in the life of David. The more I study about him the more I see just how much he messed up. And yet, I never hear God tell His people, “Do not be like David who murdered a man.” or “Do not follow David’s example of adultery.” Quite the opposite, over and over throughout the Old Testament God tells the people to remember David, to be like David. Just looking in 1 Kings we see a brief description of David through God’s eyes …

1 Kings 3:14 - … walk in my ways and obey my statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life. 1 Kings 9:4 - … walk before me in integrity of heart and uprightness, as David your father did, 1 Kings 11:4 – … his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been. 1 Kings 11:6 – … he did not follow the LORD completely, as David his father had done. 1 Kings 14:8 – … but you have not been like my servant David, who kept my commands and followed me with all his heart, doing only what was right in my eyes.

When I look at David’s life and his actions I don’t always see a man that followed the Lord completely, or that only did what was right in God’s eyes. But this is how God describes Him … this is how God saw Him. So wouldn’t it reason that God sees me the same way?

I was knit together in my mother’s womb, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am wonderful. I was created good and I am the apple of His eye.

This is just the beginning … His thoughts about us are too numerous to name, but I want you to try. Tell me some things that God has said about you … how does He define you?



- Paige Foreman

Your Garage Door Is Open

I John 3: 19-20 “This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.”

Have you ever had the experience where you’re driving to work and you suddenly have the thought, “Did I close the garage door?”

If this happens, and you live alone, it can be especially worrisome because there is no one to go check for you. You basically have to wonder about it all day, and if you’re like me, all of the worst case scenarios begin to bombard your brain. The only real way to get your mind to rest is to find out for sure. Either you have to go see for yourself, or you have to find someone to go check for you.

I lived most of my life having that, “Did I close the garage door?” feeling. Only it was a lot more serious. I wasn’t worried about my house getting broken into and losing some of my possessions. I was worried about not really knowing God’s will, not doing what God wanted me to do, not being good enough, pure enough … and losing my soul. I was worried that my garage door was open and someone was going to see all the things I had worked so hard to hide. This is the kind of worry that makes it impossible to clear your mind and just rest. It makes it impossible to breathe.

I felt this even more when I was “on the field”. I mean, surely if you’ve chosen to do mission work then those “thoughts” you can’t get rid of … those feelings that creep up without warning, those things that rob your soul of rest; must count double on your list of sins against God, right?

I struggled with this so much, that when I came back from the field I eventually just exhausted myself. I couldn’t quit torturing myself with guilt, and the sleepless nights took their toll. I finally just gave up.

I wish now that I had spent more time talking about these feelings. But I always felt there was this unspoken rule that you just didn’t talk about these things. Thankfully, God led me to a place where we do talk about these things, and we talk about them every time we get together. Nothing is off limits. It’s amazing to watch hearts begin to find rest that haven’t rested in a long time.

The greatest lessons I’ve learned seem a little silly now. They seem silly because I let such common things dominate my life for so long … let them lead me away from all that was good and holy. If I had only spoken up and let someone know. I would have found out that my struggles are not unique, nor are my questions. The uncontrollable thoughts are not sin. Wondering and questioning are not sin. Our struggles are not new … just secret. Someone has to speak first … someone has to let the secret out so the next person knows they are not alone. Someone has to let people in their garage to see that it’s full of the same stuff as everyone else.

Knowing that God is bigger than all my doubts, fears, thoughts, feelings, and secrets … gives me rest. Knowing His size and strength helps me give these things to Him to battle. He can win against them when I can’t.

And, best of all, when my heart tells me that I’ve left the garage door open and someone is going to see the real me, I don’t have to panic. I can know that God knows it all already and He loves me anyway. He doesn’t love me if I’m good, or because I’m pure … He loves me no matter what. Now that’s a thought I can rest in.

- Paige Foreman